Your bath awaits you, Madam

I was having a nice long wank the other day to videos of females masturbating.  Easily my favourite subject, I think (not naively I hope) that the ‘amateur’ close ups of them stimulating themselves to orgasm is something they did voluntarily and they enjoy thinking of men wanking to them, just as I do of my vids of me ejaculating.  

As I came I wondered just how much semen have I pumped out over the years.   Gotta ‘fess up, I’m over 70 now, but still get a nice rigid cock and shoot a good load.   Let’s do some math. Google says the average man ejaculates 1.25 to 5 ml (a quarter to one teaspoon) of the old wallpaper paste.  Well, of course, I’m a ‘heavy shooter’, well when young the several white ‘ropes’ I threw out were received with surprise so maybe I was once.   But let’s say the average is 3 mls. Now of course we men all have sex multiple times a day….not.  Well, as a young man I did cum several times having got the girl into bed.  But now it’s once a go.  So let’s say Mr Average ejaculates three times a week over a 50 year sex life.  That’s wanking and shagging.  So that’s nearly 19,000 weeks, nearly 57,000 (wow!) squirts of 3 mls, equals nearly 180,000 mls equals 180 litres, nearly 20 gallons!  Fuck me!  The average bath is 30 gallons.  So ladies forget Cleopatra bathing in ass’s milk, fill that bath, you know it’s good for skin tone (well, that’s what I tell them.)

Incidentally, do you girls really like being hosed down with the stuff, let alone pumped down your throats?   I’ve never asked for a girl, or a guy to blow me, but plenty have rammed my cock into their mouth and ‘taken the load’.  Mind you, I’m ‘cut’, foreskin whipped away as a baby, it was just the fashion then, but one the ladies appreciate as they flop the semi rigid beast out of my boxers.  ‘Oh, so clean, I Iike that’.

Ok, my thesis (sorry, should have been an academic) is ‘Where did my bathful of cum go?’. 

Well, the first time is easy to recall.  At our boys school I was well over 6 foot at early teens.  My balls had dropped, pubic hair sprouted but I naively went on clocking the little weenies and empty ball sacks in the communal showers.  Talking to my mate, Chris, one day about all the (imaginery) girl’s pussys we’d got our finger into (yes I know, but that’s how it was) he asked me how often I wanked off.  ‘Www what?’ I replied.  ‘Spanked the donkey, tossed off, jerk off…’.  Seeing my blank look, he took me to the toilet cubicles, got his dick out, and wanked it.  Eventually a pre-puberty jet of something squirted out.  He unzipped me and I found my prick was thickening up.  He wanked me for a while then watched me finish to a knee buckling, gasping first ever orgasm.  So my first 3 mls is on a cubicle wall in Exeter, Devon, England.  I certainly splattered out more than three wanks that week!

Through teenage years we boys did what boys do, wank as often as possible.  In the park, naked in the woods, on our bicycles, yes!. And we wanked each other, which is where my two sexual loves of wanking male pricks and females clits originated.  No oral though. 

On to Birmingham University staying in a triple bedded room.  We soon noticed sly wanking going on under the sheets and shouts of ‘Get on with it!’ were followed by a request for a ‘helping hand’ which was followed by mutual masturbation and frotting, where both pricks are side by side and wanked off together by one guy. I love the way that as soon as one prick spurts the other cums within seconds.  

The student population was heavily male dominated, but I found a willing fuck buddy and whilst still not wise on the art of clitoris stimulation, enjoyed my three a week in the back seat of cars, out in the countryside, furtively wherever a quick risky shag was possible.  My sperm ‘babies’ got as far as the condom and then were flushed away.

Then over the next years, twice married, where’s Mr Sperm been.  Mostly into vaginas and often licked out afterwards by me, married, mistresses, affairs, casuals, long term fuck buddies, paid for (all the ‘prostitutes’ I’ve enjoyed have been lovely, nurses making some extra, not really on the game nor no sign of forced into it.  I had a long term on paying relationship with one).  Fucked, shagged, masturbate, wanked off, in offices, toilets, in cars, driving (relieves the boredom) whilst she had feet up on the dashboard frigging her clit to get the truck drivers to blow their air horns, on trains and planes, in public places.  On internet chat rooms where women push their dripping pussys right up to the camera and wank themselves to orgasm, could be next door or in the other hemisphere.  Wanked off by both sexes.

Most embarrassing cum?  A CEO, I’d locked my office door anticipating a horny telephone chat with a busty wench at the PR agency.  She told me she had her hand down her knickers so I had a good wank with her and came in some tissues.  I dropped these in a bin.  My PA, who I’d thought about having a fondle with, but ‘don’t dip pen in company ink’ always was good advice, clearly could smell the semen as she kept giving me looks.  When I returned from a meeting the tissues had gone, I fantasized she had taken them to rub on her ample breasts.

Quickest cum?  I was shagging the missus from behind over a farm gate when the vicar came cycling along, the one that had married us. The shock made me shoot my load which then was spilling out of my prick as my wife pulled herself off me to get her shorts back up.  ‘Evening, vicar’....

Daftest cum?  She wanted it in her coffee…it sort of curdled but she drank her ‘white’ coffee enthusiastically/  Another wanted it on a pizza.  All true, scout’s honour.

Favorite position to cum?  On my back, we’ve been fucking and now she’s leaning back, facing me, ‘pussy whipping’ me with her wet cunt.  Oh, and ‘cowgirl’ where she’s up on her haunches getting deep penetration, it’s all under her control, going at it like demented rabbit. Sort of combines fucking and being wanked.  

Maybe I should revisit that sum, it seems to me there’s two bath loads of my cum out there somewhere!  Anybody seen any?